Memorial Day

It was while taking this picture I realized I had become my Grandma Payne...This is  headstone is  Robin's (Joseph's mom)..i was taking pics of the flowers for this year when I realized the only one crazy enough to take pictures of the same grave every year is my grandma...and now me apparently. 

Every year we go to Tooele for Memorial Day so we can help with my father-in-law's shop....and by every year I mean the two years I have been married so far. But I imagine it is a tradition that will carry on, in fact I'm pretty sure it was in the fine print of my marriage certificate that it was a requirement to help at the shop on that particular weekend  Any-who....I had it all planned out what I wanted to write about this weekend, as it was a very fun weekend and I love family traditions but Annabeth has taken it into her mind that it is time to eat again even though she just ate an hour ago. Maybe I'll have time to write again later this week, but for now, here are some cute pictures. Just in case i am lazy and never finish this post. 

One Month Old....(I'm a little late)

I love this picture because she looks just as surprised that she is a month old as I am .

I cannot believe that it has been more than a month since Annabeth was born. I feel like we just got home from the hospital a few days ago. We celebrated her 1 month mark down at my parents house so here are a few pictures from the weekend. 

Here is a family photo arranged by Joseph.  He spent a good portion of the weekend playing play mobiles with my nephew Kole. 

She doesn't quite fit but she had a good nap anyway.

Aunt Tory couldn't resist the temptation to see if she'd sleep in here. We used to put our little Houston (soon to be Logan) babies in here all the time. 

Annabeth's first piano lesson. She prefers playing with her feet. 

Snuggling up with cousin Wyatt. He was very excited that the baby liked him. My little nephews normally try and beat him up. 

Being weighed on the butcher scale. She was just over 9lbs on  the 19th  it was hard to tell how many ounces because she was wiggling and screaming so much. but somewhere around 3 or 4.

I put away the last of the newborn cloths today, all except for her leggings which she can still wear with the bigger onsies as capris. I'm surprised how sad it made me. She is growing up so fast. Before I know it I'll be sending her off to kindergarten and bawling my eyes out over having to let her go. I've got less than two weeks before I'll have to be back to work. I don't want 100% Annabeth time to be over. I was a little sad too because some of Annabeth's pj's were twiners to her little cousin Elsie's, and even though I knew she probably would never get to be with Elsie while both their cute little cloths still fit, I was kind of hoping. Not that it is that big of a deal, it's quite superficial really. Besides if they both keep growing at the rate they are now, they'll probably be the same size for a while, and matching cloths are easy to buy so I can keep hoping. And anyway, it's not like either of them are going to remember this part of their little lives anyway. They'll have plenty of time in the future to do fun things together that will be a lot more meaningful than their mom's forcing them into pictures that would only be useful as black-male in the future. 

Earlier today I was on facebook, catching up on stalking my old high-school and college buddies. Many of them are in grad school, a few of them are traveling to other countries and living out amazing dreams and plans that I once had for myself. For a minute I was a little jealous of their adventures, and then Annabeth started screaming like an angry little mandrake root a sure sign she was hungry. (If she's really hungry she doesn't fuss for a bit before waking up she wakes up quite suddenly and quite angry). My reaction caught me off guard. I thought it would intensify my jealous but instead, I realized that as great as the things my friends are doing, I like what I am doing more. I never could have imagined the day when I thought of being covered in baby spit one handedly trying to get a bottle ready for a screaming baby would appeal to me more than seeing Wicked preformed in London, or humanitarian work in south and central America or graduating with a masters. Yet that day has arrived, I wouldn't trade life as it is now for anything. 

Even though it has been more than a month I still can't get over how in awe I am of Annabeth and the change she has made in my life. I never knew that the love I would have for my baby would be so strong that it would make the love i feel for everything else in my life more powerful as well. I didn't realize how much my capacity to feel joy, to interact with the Spirit to understand and empathize with others would be increased so much. But it has, and I am so so grateful for my little cricket and for everything I am learning from her. 

Be she a Sagers or a Mills....

Here is a picture from Mother's Day! My very first which was extra special because it was Annabeth's first Sunday at church. She was a little angel and slept the whole time. I love my cute baby.

But just who my cute baby looks like we cannot decide. She is a pretty good mix of the two of us i think, though she doesn't look anything like our baby pictures, she does have some resplendence to our nieces and nephews from time to time. The above picture for example I think looks quite a bit like Annabeth's little cousin Elsie who is her same age. 

Then here you can see the comparison between Annabeth and her cousin Kruz.  It's mostly in the mouth and chin.

Anyway, whoever she looks like she sure is a cute little stinker. It doesn't really matter who she looks like, she is adorable! And I think looking just like herself is the best thing for her. I hate constant comparisons between kids, and yet it is something I find myself constantly doing. I guess that is something I'll just have to work on being better at. 

Well it is short entry and I have a lot more I wanted to write about but I can't just dump my poor baby on the hospitality of her Aunt Tory forever. I better go play with them!! 

These are a few of my favorite things.....

Annabeth on her third week b-day...all gussied up for a baby shower.


I thought that today I would make a list of my favorite things about my baby/ being a mom. Just because it has not been the easiest day to be a mom.  But the angel is sleeping now and as adorable as ever so hear we go.
1-I love Annabeth's daddy. I especially love watching him play with her.  Dancing in the living room to Disney songs, or going on walks, or just being silly together. 


2- I LOVE little baby yawns. The are so precious.


3- I love that miraculous time, that only seems to happen after just after the morning nap when Annabeth wakes up but is not instantly screaming like an angry little mandrake root. When she is all snugly and awake and content with life and just coos and gurgles for an hour or so before we go back to our sleep scream eat poop routine. 


4- I love bath time and so does Annabeth! I love watching her kick her legs, and how wide here eyes get when the splashes come back onto her face.  


5- I love her little cricket chirps.

Well.......she is waking up so I shall have to continue this list another day.

Announcements and other cutness

I just thought I'd post a few of the pictures my sister-in-law Michelle has been working on for us. They are sooo adorable! I love them. There are more but I only have until the baby starts screaming....which was by the time I logged in....so I've got to be quick.

CUTEST BABY EVER!!!

Some thoughts...aka emotional vomiting...

The baby wont let me put her down, but is contentedly taking a much needed nap on my chest. And since I can't really accomplish the thousands of things that I need to be doing I will instead take the time to put down a few of the thoughts that have been occupying my mind lately. 

I was very nervous about entering into motherhood. In fact the one major argument i think Joseph and I have ever had was about the fact that I wasn't sure I really wanted to be a mom, I didn't know if I could handle it. There was a part of me that really wanted to be a mom, but it was overshadowed by the larger part of me that knew how much work goes into raising a child. If I was going to be a mom, I wanted to be able to do it right, to be 100% selfless  and I wasn 't sure I was capable of that. 

It didn't really help that I had been extremely nervous about getting married as well. Marriage was another commitment I knew I didn't want to make if I was only going to make it half way. Because a half heated commitment would never be enough in the long run. I wasn't sure if I wanted to let go of my grad school dreams of moving back east and working in some amazing museum. And don't get me wrong, I love my husband. He is the most wonderful and selfless man I have ever met, and I don't regret marrying him for one minute. But I didn't have the easiest time transitioning into marriage. After I graduated from college just a few months into our marriage, Joseph was working two jobs and I didn't have a job. He was still in school and i was done, yet I was sitting home doing nothing. I felt like I wasn't contributing to our relationship at all. I have never been the type of girl that dreamed of cleaning and decorating my own home and having dinner on the table for my husband when he got home. The 50's ideal woman and I have very little in common. I clean only because I hate clutter and dirty slightly more than I hate cleaning ( I really really hate cleaning by the way). I am a terrible cook, (it is a good thing my husband will eat anything) and I am not a crafty person, I don't really sew or decorate and I don't have a strong desire to improve in either area.  In short, I am a lousy homemaker and it was never a major goal in my life to improve in that area. When we were first married I felt like Joseph was pulling all the weight  and though I wanted to help, the only options available to me were entirely unfailing. Still, i tried to put my heart into it. I cleaned our little apartment  but it was quite small and didn't take much of my completely unfilled time. I attempted to decorate, but our cinder-block walls were not conducive to hanging pictures or wall signs. I cooked, and did feel a small amount of fulfillment and complimentary when a meal succeed  but mostly I knew Joseph just ate because he knew I really needed to feel like I was doing something. He didn't get seconds which was a sure sign that the food was not that good.  I also babysat my two nephew's twice a week, and though they are both adorable and I liked watching them, it didn't really help to ease my anxiety that I would fare any better as a mother than I was as a wife. Most days I felt very overwhelmed and unqualified when watching them, and rather than making me feel like I wanted to start a family of my own I usually felt more convinced than ever I would be the worst mom ever when the boys went home each day. The few times i mentioned this to my mom or my husband they would always say "it's different when they're your own". But people say a lot of things, so I wasn't that comforted.

But I was having a lot of health problems of a girly nature which I will not horrify you with hear, except to say that it was clear that the birth control we were using was slowly killing me (or that is how it felt). And Joseph was so adorably enthusiastic about the idea of a family. I finally decided that my poor children would have to survive with one amazing parent, because if nothing else I knew Joseph would be an amazing father. I would do the best I could at being a mother and hope that with Joseph there to help, I wouldn't complete ruin their lives. Besides which, I'd been told by a few different doctors growing up that having kids would be hard for me to do ( due to the girly problems previously mentioned) so i didn't think it would be an issue for a long time anyway.

In the mean time, I finality got a job working as a teller at a bank. With the added income Joseph was able to quit his job at home depot which he did not like because it required him to work on Sundays  He was also able to be home in the evenings without his second job so we were able to spend a lot more time together than we had previously. I finally felt like I was contributing  and with the extra time we got together I felt like we had achieved a great victory. Joseph and I had an equal partnership! The distress at being unable to offer anything to our partnership vanished , and our relationship improved immensely because I wasn't so insecure about it. Then, just a few weeks later found me sitting in a bathroom looking at a little peed on stick, insecure all over again. (I'm really good at being insecure). 

Still I couldn't' help be just a little excited. I knew that Joseph would be over the moon, and there was a part of me that was thrilled I could convective a child at all, because not every medical professional I had been to see in the last very long 10 years had been so sure about my prospects. But what would I tell my work, who had JUST hired me? And what on earth would I do with a baby that I couldn't give back at the end of the day? Then the mourning sickness hit, and it hit like a hurricane  I was afraid to tell my supervisor at wok who had just hired me two weeks ago that I was pregnant so I did what I could to hold my breath when costumers had too much perfume or B.O. or had just come in from a farm. And when that didn't work, I snuck away to the bathroom as sneakily as I could to throw up some time two or three times in a work day. Oddly enough, as measurable as it was to try and work when I felt like I was going to die at any minute, having to hide it and pretend I was fine gave me a huge confidence boost. I have always hated throwing up more than any other physical pain or discomfort  But having to work through it showed me I had a strength that I either hadn't had before or that I hadn't yet discovered  And I began to think that maybe just maybe I would be able to be a mom after all. That combined with Joseph's uncontrollable and contagious excitement started to make me believe I really could manage as a mom.

By far one of my favorite things about being pregnant was watching Joseph's enthusiasm for our soon to be family. He would make up silly songs and bedtime stories and tell them to my belly. I finally told my work only to find out that I shouldn't have worried about it. They were amazing to work with, and incurably generous. They even through me a baby shower. They offered me six weeks maternity leave and were completely ok with me coming back to work only part time. Being able to work part time seemed to me like the perfect solution. The baby would be with Joseph most of the time, where she would be safest and in the best care possible. I would still be able to contribute financially so Joseph wouldn't have to work two jobs and go to school while I stayed home all day in my pj's and watched netflix with the baby (shows you what I knew about parenting that I thought I'd be sitting around being lazy). I felt like I had been handed the perfect solution to everything. Life was panning out perfectly. 

Then came our little Annabeth, quietly into the world. Too quietly, I anxiously tried to stare over the doctor to where my baby had been taken for what seemed like a lifetime before I heard her cry and was able to relax, knowing that she was alive. And suddenly the world was a very different place. It is amazing the difference to huge round eyes staring up at you from a perfect little face can make. I have found in motherhood something I never anticipated, a new level of....love I suppose not just for my baby but for my husband and my mother and myself and everyone I've ever met. I have found a new level of understanding in the gospel that i didn't anticipate. I thought the six weeks of staying at home with a baby all day would leave me feeling just as frazzled and useless as sitting in our aggie village apparent applying for jobs that never contacted me back had been. I could not have been more wrong, instead I find myself dreading the idea of having to go back to work. I find the simple act of giving my baby girl a bath more fulfilling that any sort of Masters degree or job could even hope of competing with. All thous general conference talks about the long hours of motherhood being worth it even when they seem menial that always caused me to roll my eyes and groan bring tears to my eyes instead. I hear in them the  ring of truth that even three short weeks ago when I was huge and pregnant I couldn't help but scoff at just a little. 

I can go a whole day without managing find time to shower, or even brush my hair (not saying that I am making a habit of this mind you) and sit for hours just holding my baby while she sleeps or coos up at me and feel more accomplished that I ever felt receiving a history paper from a professor with a 100 across the top.  I suppose I really shouldn't be so amazed by this. Everyone told me I would feel this way, but you know how I feel about things that 'everybody' say. I working four of five hours a day would be a welcome relief from monotonous tasks, but instead I find myself going to lay my baby down in her bed only to remember that in just a few weeks I'll be back at work, and then I can't bring my self to waist the time with her, so I snuggle her instead. I find myself tearing up at the thought of all the precious moments that I may miss while at work. Her first laugh, or her first steps. 

But mostly I find myself in constant awe at how perfect and how tiny Annabeth is. I find myself completely overwhelmed with gratitude that Heavenly Father had more faith in me than I had in myself and that He was willing to send me so preciousness a gift as this amazing little child that has flipped my whole world upside down. I am also ineradicable grateful for the small things, and the huge ones that He has prepared to help me be the mom I never thought I could be and to find more joy than I ever thought possible. I'm grateful for my husband who helps me in the middle of the night even though he has work during the day. I am grateful for an amazing sister-in-law Ruth, who has been so generous not just in helping me feed my baby, but in offering help in such a way that it doesn't make me feel like I am a bad mother to need the help. Especially as she has so many personal trials right now, dividing her attention between her two girls while Elsie is still in the hospital. She really is the definition of 'super mom'. I am grateful for my own super mom who stayed with me the first week, and for my amazing dad and little sister who were willing to cope without her so she could be with me when I needed her most. I am grateful to my cousin Jessica, who when she new my mom was gone came to my rescue so I didn't have a complete emotional breakdown.  I am grateful for my other family members, neighbors and friends who have brought us meals and gifts but who most of all expressed confidence in me that I would be a good mother when they had no idea how much they're comments meant to me. 

But most of all I am great full to Annabeth, who in her two and a half weeks of life has taught me more about the myself, the gospel, relationships of all kinds, and the world and my part in it that I learned in the 24 years before she came. 

I am quite possibly the luckiest girl, and the luckiest mom ever.