Greed....and possible obsession.

So I don't normally do things like this. First of all, no one ever wins these types of things. (And when I say no one, I really mean I never win these things.) And secondly I have some weird sort of pride issue about openly admiring myself to be a crazy fan girl. Yet here I am again, trying to win a contest again, and for the same book. But despite my pride issue, or perhaps in spite of my pride issue, I am really freaking excited about this book!!

Easter

I grew up in the world of unsupervised children. We clambered over old farm equipment. We drove 4 wheelers unsupervised. We climbed trees. We went floating down canals and jumped into rivers. We ran wild, and yet we always felt safe. Our swing set wasn't a short, feather light safety certified contraption it was a hulking, huge iron welded contraption that we swung on as high as we wanted (though admittedly I once bruised my sternum in and unfortunate combination of said swing set and a trampoline) .  As a parent looking back I wonder, was it so different a time? Have we changed so much? The idea of my baby doing half the things I did without a thought terrifies me. Were our parents terrified or did they just trust us more? 

Maybe it's all a matter perspective. After all my parents home and farm is a mere 13 minutes to the nearest hospital if you don't care about the speed your driving. It's a drive I have taken hundreds of times in my life (not to the hospital mind you, but past it) and would undeniably call it a short drive, a quick drive even. Until that drive was TO the hospital, and suddenly it became an eternity of torment. But perhaps I should begin at the beginning. 

As is tradition, we visited my family this Easter, which fell as the fates would happen just one day after the first birthday Ab May. Continuing in line with tradition, everything was a touch chaotic children running everywhere adults yelling at them to slow down and to play nice. My dad surpassed expectations with his fantastic dutch oven cooking, my cousin was opening his mission call. Life was hectic and chaotic and oh so good. I love visiting my family. I always feel so amazingly safe and contented visiting my parents house. My dad's dutch oven chicken and potatoes out on the patio with all the family, that is my kind of heaven. 

And then it happened. My husband had been playing with the kids  on the a fore mentioned mammoth of a swing set.  Ab LOVES the swings,  and so she was strapped into the baby swing while my husband and one of my nephews were swinging, higher and higher and higher soo sooo high that the swing began to tip, and people began to scream and everyone began to run. My heart stopped. My heart stopped cold but that swing kept falling. Falling as the little pink plastic container that held my baby hit the ground with a jolt and slid across the grass finally stopping right below that solid medal bar as it smashed into the ground. 

I couldn't bring myself to run over. I couldn't bring myself to see what had happened. But even as I told myself I would never be able to stand it, I was walking, slow and determinedly almost against my will towards the scene. When I arrived my screaming baby had already been taken from the wrecked swing and my husband and brother in law were tearing her cloths off to check for busing on her ribs or smooch. The bar had fallen across her chest. 

A few light bruises on her right ribs and her right hip were all we found but there was a large red blotch on her right ear which was swelling up. And so we loaded her up into the car, my husband and brother in law gave her a priesthood blessing (a special prayer of healing) and my little sister got in with us to keep the baby from going to sleep in case she had a conclusion and thus began the longest 13 minute drive of my life. 

All I could think of was that the next day was her birthday. My mind kept jumping back to the year before when we had driven to the hospital in dissipation of her birth so confidant that our arrival would end in greater joy that we had yet known. And hear we were a year later driving to the hospital  unable to anticipate anything but the worst. Unable to escape the underlying possibility of greater pain than I could ever imagine. And in those 13 minutes I learned grief. 

Now there are undoubtedly those of you out there who will read this and think that my reaction was just that of a hysterical paranoid mother, that true grief is not a possibility until the confirmation that the unthinkable has happened. I disagree. I have lost love ones before. I have said goodbye to grandparents. I have been hurt, and seen others I love hurt and I have watched people I love suffer through things I could not understand let alone help them with. I hate feeling helpless. And I help standing by when others are in pain. But watching that metal bar crash into that tiny plastic pink swing, was a helplessness at a new level, it was a grief too big for me. 

I was so overwrought I could not even pray and that is when the words, "Prayer is made up of heart throbs," came into my mind. ( Its a quote from James E. Talmage's book Jesus The Christ) And all of a sudden, even though the grief was still there, and the fear was still present it was no longer too big. And that my friends is the beauty of the Atonement. I continued to repeat that phrase in my mind, "Prayer is made up of heart throbs" until my mind was able to expand enough for more than just the repeated vision of my babies broken body. Until a seed faith that she would be fine could find a place to grow into hope. Until I could realize that my husband, who had caused the swing to tip needed me just as much as my baby.  Until I came to remember that this weekend was not just the celebration of the birth of my child, who is my life. It is the celebration of the Resurrection of Jesus Christ. It is the marker not just for His re-birth, but also for His death and Crucifixion . Until I could comprehend that the only thing worse than reliving the memory of watching that swing fall and knowing I could do nothing to stop it would be to watch it fall, knowing I could stop it and have to choose not to as God once watched His Son die and chose not to stop it happening. 

In that thirteen minutes I found the tiniest glimpse of eternity. I found peace in knowing that even if the worse happens God had promised me, as He promises us all that families are eternal. I was reminded that even in our darkest moments there is always someone who understands us. Jesus Christ is not just the Savior of the World, He is our brother and He will carry our load when it is too big. And that is worth celebrating, not just on Easter, but every day. 

And for those of you on the edge of your seats, little Ab is just fine. It's hard to see the bruise by her hear in this picture because she healed up so fast. After hours and hours in the waiting room of the ER we were sent home with a tired, punch drunk baby so full of giggles we had a hard time strapping her in to the car seat. And she is right back to planing on swings and climbing on tables. All and all I would say this has been the most meaningful Easter of my life. I am so so grateful for my Savior and His sacrifice for me. I am so grateful for my Heavenly Father and His love for my baby that he positioned that tiny plastic swing just right so that it would shatter, and my baby would be safe. And I am grateful that I was blessed enough to be raised to know that I am so much more than just lucky. I am blessed. 

Our Silly Girl

I just thought I'd post a few pictures of our silly little girl. She's hard to catch with the camera anymore because she loves playing with it. So anytime it comes out she stops whatever she is doing to come and grab the camera. But here she is.

Just a girl and her Owl.

Annabeth LOVES her creepy eyed owl. She drags him around the house. She dances with him, she reads him her story books. They are bffs. It is so adorable to watch her look around the room for him and then light up when she finds him.

Wearing Mommy's shirt. Annabeth has dozens of blankets, but she normally chooses to ignore them and drag our cloths out of the clean laundry pile to wrap up in or wear. She is a silly girl, and she loves to drag our cloths around. 

Annabeth's First Christmas!

 Annabeth missed the oh so traumatic experience of meeting Santa Clause at the town party because we didn't make it down to Joseph on time. So We had to make do with this little fella. Needless to say, she wasn't too interested. It's hard to get her to do anything cute anymore, because she loves to eat the camera so much.

Opening Christmas Pajamas

Cousins! 

Gifts from Santa

Scroogy

So I have been feeling like a Scrooge this holiday season. Work has been....less than comfortable with all the construction and dirt and stress. Annabeth is adorable as ever, but she could care less that it is Christmas and with finals and whatnot we haven't really had time to do anything as a family. I get to go home to Joseph for Christmas this year, which should make me really excited but at the moment a four hour drive and packing and scheduling when we get there is just making me stressed. I couldn't even qualify as a Grinch, because until last night I did not even want to be bothered with the fact that Christmas was coming. I just wanted time to get the simple daily tasks I needed to accomplished without the hustle and bustle of parties and decorating and shopping. 

Then last night or friends Colin and Jita asked us to come Christmas Caroling with them and another family. We read the story of Luke before we went out caroling. There is just something about the sound of children's voices reading the scriptures that makes them seem so much more powerful to me. The kids from the other family were so excited and enthusiastic about taking treats around to the neighborhood. But after the first house or two, rather than try to visit people Jita knew from church, we just started going to whatever home had their lights on. 

There was something about seeing the shock on people's faces, one group we visited even said they had never had carolers before. Everyone was so excited to be sung to and receive some cookies. I think sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own little world that I forget how easy it really is to reach out so strangers. I have a terrible habit of over complicating everything. 

I'm not saying this very well but the point is, caroling to complete strangers helped me to catch the spirit of Christmas finally. It reminded me that Christmas is not about stuff, or cookies or parties, it is about spreading joy. 

I know this isn't a very good pic, it's just off my phone but our camera battery went dead. Annabeth LOVED caroling just as much as she loved the Musical at the high school and singing in church. She went crazy bouncing up and down and squeaking while we sang in her own little cooing version of the songs. 

And then I watched this video this morning. I couldn't help wanting to post it. Why do we make life so complicated, when it is meant to be so simple? 

Ooopes...

So I may or may not have posted on my sisters blog by accident.

http://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=3738893750934880638#allposts

Someone is too Adventurous.

Just in case you were wondering, the speed she is walking at in the first video is after about 5 minutes of practicing. The second video was her fist attempt. Not to brag or anything, you know, I just happen to think that my child is a genius. A genius who makes me very very tired.